The Real Housewives of Seattle

If you're not into scripted, trashy reality TV shows, then we might not be able to get along because there are few things that I love more than a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. The southern hospitality mixed with the ghetto-fied Louis Vuitton bags is like a dream come true.

Kim Zolciak? I need to meet you and your wig, mostly because I want to know if your lips have been surgically enhanced or not.

Is Atlanta not your scene? Maybe The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, New York, Jersey or Miami get recorded on your DVR every week or maybe none of these shows meet your television standards. I'm honestly perplexed as to why Bravo has not included the city of Seattle in the mix.

As someone who has lived either in the heart of the city or the surrounding Seattle area for most of her life, I think I have a pretty good idea of what the housewives cast of Seattle would be like.

Let's meet them!

Skylar
As a former dot-com entrepenuer in the early 2000's, Skylar sold her online company for a cool 1.5 millions dollars and now lives in the perfect, pleasantville-esque, neighborhood of Magnolia with her young family. She opened a hot yoga studio last year in order to "have something to do" but her husband's salary at Boeing is enough to pay for her Range Rover, their kids' private school educations, and all the debt that her yoga studio is accumulating. Skylar considers herself to be very liberal and does her part to help the environment by bringing her own mug to Starbucks for her non-fat, no-whip, sugar-free, decaf mocha every morning.

Emma
Born and raised in the tiny bubble of Mercer Island (a.k.a. Millionaire Central), Emma had been living the high life. She met Skylar at University of Washington where they both majored in Communications and were sorority sisters at Tri Delta. Recently divorced, Emma has been down on her luck because she only receives forty grand a month in alimony, so she is a frontrunner in the local Occupy Wall Street movement here in Seattle. As an activist, Emma spends a lot of time baking cookies and creating care packages from her three-story, waterfront home on the Montlake Cut for her OWS brethren who stay outside in the cold night after night.

Maddie
After dropping out of college twice, Maddie spent her early twenties bar-hopping and cocktail waiting at various restaurants and clubs in the Belltown area hoping to land a rich man. While maxing her dad's credit card at the downtown Nordstrom last spring, a pro-football athlete for the Seattle Seahawks mistook her for a model, and the rest, they say, is history. Right now, she is planning her 650+ person wedding, but she has to hurry because there is already a baby on the way for the engaged couple!

Linda
If you're in need of some relaxing lamaze classes or you need to find an amazing midwife/doula, then you only need to give Linda a phone call. After having a traumatic hospital experience with her first child's birth, she has made it her goal in life to provide Seattle women with natural and therapeutic baby care, that is, for those who can afford her services and products. She invented and patented an eco-friendly baby sling, and has since opened three different birthing centers in the local area. Skylar and the expecting Maddie are just some of her many high-profile, big-bank-account clients.

Nicole
Originally from Spokane, Washington, Nicole is a gun-owning, deer-hunting, mountain-climbing Republican OB/GYN who is married to a Microsoft programmer. As an outspoken doctor who is confident in the power of medicine and science, Nicole has a hard time believing that the natural, pre-natal care that Linda provides is medically safe and sound. Even though they are complete opposites, Nicole is a close friend and neighbor to fellow housewife, Skylar, probably because they both drive Range Rovers without any gas-guzzling shame.

Maureen
While she has never been married and tells everyone that she is happy being single, Maureen is still looking for love in the Emerald City. Unfortunately for her, this liberal tattoo artist lives on Capitol Hill: the gayest, most-rainbow-lovin' neighborhood in the area. An avid bike rider and No-Shave-November participant, Maureen is not your typical housewife, but as a true Seattle native, her colorful personality is just what the other housewives need.

Will Maureen find love on this season of The Real Housewives of Seattle?

Will Maddie be able to have her grandiose, NFL-star-studded wedding before she has her baby?

Will Nicole convince Maddie that Linda's birthing center is not safe enough for her delivery?

Will Emma get her head out of her ass and realize how filthy rich she really is?

Stay tuned!

My Ho-Bag Was Retired in 2008

I want to explain the definition of a "ho-bag" because I don't want you to be confused with similar variations of the term. First of all, a "hobag" or "ho bag" (no dash - see that?) is a term usually used by women who are referring to other women, typically their female friends.

It's a way of saying, "Hey, you kiss and do hanky panky with a lot of different people, and I'm judging you, but it's OK, so let's go shopping."

Women are strange creatures, I know.

(And I also know that women should not call other women derogatory names because if men aren't allowed to say those things without being offensive, then how can it be OK for women to say it nicely to each other? And most of the time sometimes, we don't say those names very nicely anyway, but let's not get into the politics of this right now.)

So, a "ho-bag" is a noun too, but rather than referring to the woman herself, the word refers to her bag of tricks that keeps her prepared for, uh, slumber parties and similar one-night activities. Toothbrush, toothpaste, change of underwear and/or clothes, makeup, prescription medications, and a stick of deodorant are the basic essentials that are necessary for a lady who is staying the night elsewhere.

Maybe she has her bag packed because her boyfriend has space issues. Or, you know, they just started dating and she doesn't want to overwhelm him with the products.

Maybe it's packed because she is spending the weekend with a friend.

Maybe she is a gypsy.

Maybe she just likes to bed hop.

WHO KNOWS?! The reasons and possibilities for a woman to have a ho-bag are virtually endless, but I think it's obvious that the ho-bag is an essential morning-after recovery tool.

I have not been utilizing a ho-bag since 2008 because that is the year I started dating my then-boyfriend/now-husband. After being taken off the market officially in 2010, I have put my ho-bag in complete retirement.

When I spent the night at a friend's house this past weekend to have some much-needed girl time, it became very apparent that I am severely out of practice in the packing of a ho-bag.

How in the hell am I supposed to fit all these essentials in one bag?

How did I do this ever?

Have my beauty and hygiene routines become so out of hand that they require multiple bags?

Apparently, yes.

I brought FOUR different bags with me like a crazy bag lady. I had a bag for toiletries and makeup; another bag was for my clothes; a different bag was for some snacks because WHAT IS A SLUMBER PARTY WITHOUT SNACKS?

Not a party, that's what.

One of my friends really out-packed me in the ho-bag department. Not only did she have the one ho-bag with all of her overnight essentials, but she also managed to pack her laptop, camera, and chargers in there. She only had to make the one trip to and from the car with her one bag. I, on the other hand, looked like a disgruntled Christmas shopper with bags criss-crossing my body every which way.

I just needed a mini-van, and my look would have been complete.

I have never really noticed the different between being married and not being married because my husband and I have always been so happy together, but you guys, I cannot pack for shit anymore. For the first time ever, there was a great divide between me and my friends because of my inability to pack for one evening.

Is this why so many moms have cargo-like diaper bags?

Tis the Season...To Get a Part-Time Job

This recession is insane. If you're struggling to find a way to check off everyone on your Christmas list, then let me just tell you a secret: EVERYONE LOVES Q-TIPS.

It's one of those things that people run out of very suddenly but never have the thought to buy in advance. You would be the best Santa ever.

Friends and family? You are getting a deluxe-sized box of Q-Tips from Shasta this year. I will even put a ribbon on it. You will never have to worry about grimy ears or eye makeup removal ever again, at least for 2012. Merry Christmas!

Seriously.

This holiday season, I don't even have time to go Christmas shopping. I'm starting to look under my sink cabinets in an attempt to unearth some body soap and lotion products that I could re-gift. Or maybe I could pass a box of Chips Ahoy cookies as homemade?

Oh, don't act like you haven't done that before.

How many times have you looked up from your computer to realize, OH SHIT, it's December 23rd already? Then you remember that you have one of those mandatory holiday office parties later in the afternoon, so lo and behold, someone is going to go home with a bar of Ivory soap and a half bottle of Listerine in that White Elephant exchange courtesy of you and your Grinchiness.

Has this not happened to other people? No? Who are you and why do you have all this time and money?

Even though I don't have any time, I decided to take up a part-time job because apparently, I don't like having weekends to myself anymore. I don't know if it was a moment of weakness or what, but when my former manager asked me if I wanted to work on Saturdays and Sundays this month to help out for the holidays, I heard myself saying, "Yes! Of course!"

It was a bizarre, out-of-body experience because in my mind, I was cataloging all of the things I need to do at the office for my full-time employment and how there were just too many damn things to do and how I don't even have time to wash all my socks anymore, but I could feel myself smiling at the thought of working in retail again and before I knew it, I was selling jewelry last weekend.

But me, in retail? Who am I kidding?

It's been over a year since I worked there, and while I've mourned the loss of my carefree retail days, I know that I have turned into a regular ol' grump with my current job. I am way too damn snarky, and I don't possess a filter between my mouth and brain, so I really shouldn't be allowed to interact with perfectly nice strangers who want to buy stuff.

After a couple of customer encounters, it was obvious that I was pretty rusty:

"Hmmm...these are quite nice, but I think I want them in platinum. Do you have a similar pair in platinum? Maybe with different gems?"

"Oh sure, right here next to my platinum mine that I keep in the basement. Let me just grab a few hundred pair of earrings for you to waste my time with."

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I don't know. I don't really work here much anymore."

"Um, OK. Do you have similar earrings?"

"OK, listen lady, I don't even know where they keep earrings in this place these days. They moved all the expensive shit to a safe I can't access."

"Do you even work here?"

"Sort of. Let me get my manager. She'll help you find everything you can't afford."

It's not that I'm purposefully unhelpful, it's just that I'm so used to trying to be mediocre at my office job in order to avoid extra work for being a SUPERSTAR that I can't get out of that routine when I'm in another work environment. It took a few hours of fake smiling and using a sing-song voice (Have you been in a jewelry store? You know what we sound like.) for me to get back into the groove.

After seeing so many harassed-looking shoppers, I realized that I'm not sucking at Christmas as badly as they are. Some guy bought his daughter a fugly purple watch that I'm sure she'll be exchanging come 2012, so really...if you think about it...

My Q-Tip idea...?

So genius.

A Wee Lesson in E-mail Etiquette

Almost every aspect of my job revolves around e-mail. Everything is driven and powered by my Microsoft Outlook inbox like it's the engine to a car. Or something like that. I'm really bad at automobile analogies because I know nothing about cars, so please, just go with it. But I wish the whole E-mail is Everything concept wasn't true because that means I sit on my butt most of the day, but it is true and my butt gets sore from all the sitting.

Tough life, I know.

I understand that e-mail is a quick, handy dandy way to communicate, but most people...are too dumb to do that effectively without keyboards. You end up giving them a laptop, and shit, it's like they are the CEO of Being Better Than You, and the next thing you know, they are blasting you with e-mails that look something like this:

Hey-

Need you toget that presantation to me in 1 hour right now. Not sure whats taking you so long but its in my last email five minutes ago when i told you you had to do it now. K, thx.

-Douchebag

The author of this e-mail shall remain anonymous because, uhhhh, I wrote it to illustrate a point, but that is an accurate representation of the garbage that litters my inbox on an hourly basis. I know that a bachelor's degree isn't a "big deal" anymore, but if you have one and you're writing miserable drivel like that, then maybe you should give your degree back to your school, or, I don't know, go work in a field that doesn't require you to talk, write, or think in any way.

E-mail is also a really easy way to seem like you are important, demanding, and agressive even though you are a total doormat in real life. It's like people have Outlook alter-egos or something, but that gets really confusing after awhile because you start to seem mentally unstable.

I might be a little kray kray from time to time, but I know when to use a damn semicolon. If anyone ever asked me for a wee little guide on how to write e-mails, then they would need to look no further than this blog post because I am about to change the world here.

1) Put thought into your e-mails. Seriously.
I can't applaud myself for doing this all the time, especially when I'm replying to #58 of 114 e-mails, but I do it about 80% of the time. You are what you send, so if you want to send something that is a total hot mess, then by all means "send" away. If you want to seem like you're not a total asshole, then think about what you're typing. I am amazed whenever my office mates send e-mails without reading them over first. Sure, maybe it's uber important and urgent, but ten seconds couldn't be spared to look it over?

2) Don't try and be funny. Especially if you aren't funny to begin with...
Unless your intended recipient knows you pretty well and has laughed before at some of your jokes at the last mandatory office party, you really shouldn't try to add humor to your e-mails because that will inevitably go to hell in a handbasket. More often than not, your attempt at witty banter will end up very one-sided because you'll just come across as deeply confused. I have been a known offender of this rule, so I try to stick with no-nonsense e-mails now.

3) NO CAPS LOCK. BAD!
Caps lock=yelling. I yell a lot on my blog because I can showcase my personality here, but via e-mail? Yelling is not appreciated very much. You seem really rude and irritating, or worse, you seem totally batshit craaaaazzzzyyyyyy. How many times have you instantly deleted an e-mail or just never replied to it because it had CAPITAL LETTERS EVERYWHERE ASAP/FYI/BYOB and consequently rubbed you the wrong way? A lot of times, so maybe lay off that little button next time.

4) Learn or brush up on proper punctuation and basic grammar.
Not everyone majored in English, I know, but that doesn't mean we can't have some respect for the language and start arranging words coherently! Spell-check is amazing and has helped millions of worker bees worldwide, but until we get a grammar button and a punctuation button, we're on our own, people. Ask someone; Google it; delete the e-mail and pick up the damn phone instead - do whatever it takes to get your point across without risking a grave comma error.

5) Ask yourself if you really need to send this.
There is always that guy in everyone's office that sends you an e-mail with an inane question even though he sits right across from you and asks, "Hey, did you get my e-mail?" I hate that guy. Don't be that guy! It's always easier to get up and ask someone a question when they work in the same office or hallway or floor as you, right? Are we really that lazy, America? Prove me wrong!

I could go on and discuss the evilness that is forwards or the excessive usage of emoticons, but I think you all know where I'm coming from already. I'm all about the power of the Internet and staying connected and expressing yourself online, but e-mail is not something you can mess around with when you have an extremely specific audience in that "to" line.

I don't know why there aren't "professional" classes about how to send effective e-mails, but there really should be in this day and age when even grade schoolers and great-grandparents have access to an inbox somewhere. We're all just one click away from appearing like total idiots, so we should ban together and save ourselves from such embarrassment!

Who's with me?!

........

You'd rather just seem like idiots and send comma-overloaded e-mails all over the place, wouldn't you? I see how it is, guys.

I'm gonna delete that shit.